Rejection does hurt like a b.

Saturday, 13 October 2018

Dear readers, 

Hey, I'm back. Kinda. For this post I'll be deviating from my usual review posts and share an update on what's been going on these few months that I've been inactive on the blog. 

Obviously, you all know I'm probably going through some stuff - emotional stuff that has left me in turmoil. The extremely quick summary is that I fell for someone, and when I decided to confess it to him, he rejected me. This is the first ever confession I made in my 30 years of living on planet Earth, and my first ever romantic rejection. 

Yes. my first. Because I never felt strongly about anyone to have done so before. And because I never met anyone I thought was special enough to have done so too. When I thought about it, I realise I've always been rejecting others and not allowing them to come into my heart or know me as a person. Ever since I've had my heart broken 10 years ago, I never considered dating anyone else because I felt people were all the same. I rejected some people who wanted to date me and never ever regretted it, I also always somehow manage to end up dating guys who only wanted to date me for the wrong reasons, and then I rejected them too in the end.

Then I stayed happily alone for the next couple of years, happy of my existence of being a single girl until he came along. For this confession, honestly, I thought i have prepared myself well for it - the negative answer, the no-response and all. And even when I thought I did, it didn't feel enough. It still hurt, and it hurt really bad. Maybe because I thought we clicked, I saw the possibility in us being best friends (and then more), maybe because I saw us enjoying time together for a long long time in the future. But it was all a one-sided view of things, a view of an imaginary relationship I had that came crashing down as I received the resounding  'no'. 

Yes - if you were wondering, I did it through text. Some of you might think it's stupid - but that platform felt right for a certain reason after much consideration and some things that happened, and I don't care what the relationship experts out there say about it. Everyone's story and why they do certain things a certain way is unique. And even if I texted my feelings, i meant every single word i said in it. The emotions are as true as me saying it in real life. I didn't just text a whole blob of emotional word vomit, but I just simply told him how I felt and that if he didn't feel the same I would just back away. 

But what I got was a resounding no. Actually I've thought about it in depth. My gut feeling is that he did get some confusing mixed signals from me as well, because I am totally crappy at showing my true self especially when I realise I have feelings for someone. I feel that there's been a gross misunderstanding of who I am because of some things that happened that I never had the chance to clear it up with him properly. And I confessed before getting a chance to do so, so really, I guess I nipped my own chances in the bud. 

But it's fine - rejection is after all part of life. I spent hours thinking if I should have done it. I don't regret it, to be honest. After all, I really don't like to play mind games - I like things honest and straightforward. That's just me. Yeah even with all the jitters. I just wanted to set things straight about how I felt. I really trusted this person and I shared with him on my past relationships - something I'm really all over and just wanted to share. I guess I wanted him to understand why I reacted in a certain way but I forgot that not everyone can take that much honesty from the start. Perhaps it felt to him that I was burdening him? 

But you know, I am thankful to him for this experience, no matter how it went down. He awoken me to things within me that I had been sweeping under the carpet all these years - giving me courage to face my inner demons and confront them. I know, you're thinking, dayum son, it's just a rejection, why does it sound so serious? 

There are many layers to this. Rejection is also self-reflection time. I had to learn that I cannot keep beating myself up for it, and I learnt this the hard way, because I poured over it quite a bit, wondering if there was something wrong with me. I used to constantly sweep my emotions under the carpet, burying it, tucking it away and pretending that everything is okay and I could move on. After many years, the constant buildup and denial of facing it head on had created a roadblock for someone else to come and know the true me. And really, that was what's wrong with me. I allowed my inner demons to take over my emotions for so many years. I needed to solve that and be right with myself so that I can allow the right person to come into my life and feed off me too. I knew i needed to be right with myself for the right person to enjoy me, as a person, in future. It's never too late to learn about yourself - we've only got this life to live, I'll use it for God's glory. 

What's sad about this is also because I feel our timing seemed off. When he was ready to get to know me, I wasn't ready. When I was ready, the moment for him has passed on, perhaps. I was really disappointed... our timing was a total crap fest. It hit a wall, and when things hit walls, we can either choose to stand still and attempt futility in breaking through that wall, or be redirected so we can move on. I guess it's the same for us. I dont know how he thinks now but honestly I hope I can still be friends with him, I never want him to feel bad for turning me down because everyone has a choice for themselves. No one is in the wrong. (Except cheating. Cheating is a big no-no for me).

I cried, I was disappointed, I went to smash things at the Fragment room for relief, but it didn't do me any good. I was mourning over a 'what could have been'. I also thought to myself, what if I would never get back this friendship I thought could have been a special one. 

One night I came across this song, and when i listened to this song, i suddenly imagined God was singing it to me. I started replaying it over and over again. Honestly, nothing's better than reminding yourself that God will never let you go. I close my eyes and imagine God is hugging me as I listen to it - telling me to let go of my doubts - my doubts for a better future, a better everything. Because He won't ever let me go. He's the only one who loves me and cares for me. All I have to do is to believe in Him. The promises of God are Yes and Amen.

But I'm still trying to learn to let go of this whole thing. Harder because sometimes I bump into him, yada yada, not important. What's important is that I need to know that the rejections that I face are, perhaps, the close to a chapter in the story of my life. But also know it's not the end. And it's a super bitter pill to swallow. It's not even about the embarrassment, but the fact that I look at him and know that I still like him but he doesn't feel the same way, I guess? 

But I'm lucky, right? Doing it over text and him still nice enough to reply me properly to tell me 'no'. Sometimes some of us don't even get proper closure from things we decide to let go - but receiving an outright rejection? That's a cold hard door slam in your face. That in itself feels like you've been officially denied access to what you think is the best path for you at that moment in time, and at least the person gave you no reason to hang on because he just wasn't interested in even trying anymore. But I trust that God put it in that person's heart to reject me, for He is redirecting me. Seeing the rejection as a redirection of paths also worked for me. Some times I still feel emotional about it, sad about it - but I won't allow it to conquer me and put me down. I realise through rejections, you really also start to learn that your heart is very strong. It's being exercised and trained, if I may.

Our emotions are the hardest to control, and I still think about him. I'm not totally over him. But rationally speaking, if a person doesn't like me enough to choose me, how can I allow him to have power over my emotions? I'm still in this sort of emotional conflict but I know time will heal. One day, I still hope to laugh and talk to him, to be his friend. 

Rejection is very painful and does hurt like a b, because it feels like a part of you has been lost and I guess we need time to mourn all of that. But to my friends who are also in this phase, I hope you can also allow God to comfort you, just as He had, for me. 

Let God comfort and let time heal. :)

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I Won’t Let You Go - by Switchfoot (Feat. Lauren Daigle)
When it feels like surgery
And it burns like third degree
And you wonder what is it worth?
When your insides breaking in
And you feel that ache again
And you wonder
What's giving birth?
If you could let the pain of the past go
Of your soul
None of this is in your control
If you could only let your guard down
You could learn to trust me somehow
I swear, that I won't let you go
If you could only let go your doubts
If you could just believe in me now
I swear, that I won't let you go
I won’t let you go
When your fear is currency
And you feel that urgency
You want peace but there's war in your head
Maybe that's where life is born
When our façades are torn
Pain gives birth to the promise ahead
If you could let the pain of the past go
Of your soul
None of this is in your control
If you could only let your guard down
If you could learn to trust me somehow
I swear, that I won't let you go
If you could only let go your doubts
If you could just believe in me now
I swear, that I won't let you go
I won’t let you go
I'll always be by your side
Yeah
If you could only let your guard down
If you could learn to trust me somehow
I swear, that I won't let you go
If you could only let go your doubts
If you could just believe in me now
I swear, that I won't let you go
I won’t let you go
(I won’t let you go)
There ain't no darkness strong enough that could tear you out from my heart
There ain't no strength that's strong enough that could tear this love apart
Never gonna let you go
Never gonna let you go
No I won’t let you go