A letter to grandma: 4 years on

Tuesday, 12 September 2017


Dear Grandma,

Since I'm posting this letter online, I'll abbreviate your lovely name: HSF. I will never forget your beautiful name. Sorry this letter came so late, it took me 4 years to be able to write this.

Hows life in heaven? You must be having alot of fun with Jesus now in Heaven, right? I've prayed for your salvation and I know that the Lord will not fail to reach out to you when you were on your deathbed.

Has it already been 4 years since I last felt the warmth of your wrinkled, soft skin, and heard your lovely voice calling out my name?

I'm sorry I couldn't rush back from Korea, where I was holidaying then. Even as I cut short my holiday and rushed back, I wasn't in time to see your last smile before you slipped into a coma, one which you never woke from.

I heard from the uncles and my dad who were there with you that you called out for me. That very thought of you calling out to me still tugs at my heartstrings till this very day. The fact that I could not be there was very painful to me, even till today.

On the flight back, I remember thinking to myself you'll be okay - it was just a small surgery, how could anything happen? When I touched down at the airport, dad was waiting for us. It was the first time I saw the man tear. It tore me apart because I knew what was waiting for us at the hospital. The final goodbye.

I remember moments before you passed on, I thanked you for loving me. Ah, I also remember promising you that I will lose weight, slim down and be healthy. Also to find a nice boyfriend who loves me. I did lose some weight as promised, but I haven't found a nice boyfriend yet. haha. In time, grandma, in time. I promise I will let you know once I do.

Remember that time, as part of my project research in the past, I wanted to do an autobiography on your life, do you remember how we sat through a 4-hour long session and I interviewed you about your life and learning all about my uncles and aunts, when they were much younger? It was fun. You were full of vigour and excitement as you recalled the old days, bringing those naughty boys up and showing love for your little girls.

One of the hugest regrets I have till this day though... I told you I'd complete writing the story and share it with you and the rest of the family - but I never completed it. I always thought to myself, 'what if...', but I guess it's just too late. It's okay. I will finish it for sure.

I know you loved hearing me laugh, so much so that you gave me a nickname 大笑姑婆. It's in cantonese, but the meaning is so apt, I loved it. I know you loved that I was your 大笑姑婆, so I will continue to be it, laughing and smiling on.

Remember my favourite dish? Yes, sweet and sour pork. One which you always cook for me to perfection everytime you knew I was coming over to eat with you. I remember the time where you taught me how to make egg fuyong for my dad. I tried making it for him twice, but it never tasted as good as yours.

Whenever I think about you now, I still dish out your photos or even rewatch the old (and only) video I ever took of you - while you were doing what you did best - cooking. We pretended to be recording a cooking show, then, remember? That was really funny.

I loved hearing your voice again, and I was so thankful I took that video that day. If I didn't, I wouldn't ever get to hear your voice again. Thank God for technology, huh? It made me fall in love with taking photos and videos now, usually of people who are really important to me.

I hog all those photos and videos now because I don't want to ever lose any precious moments with those people I love.

I hope you get to read this letter in heaven, 4 years on, and know that you are still living on in my heart. I still think about you, but I know that you're happier staying with Jesus. I will meet you someday when I get there. :)

Love from your 大笑姑婆,
Janel